Tales and Art in a Small Scale with a Big Heart

S1E9: Everybody Here Wants You


Early in the next morning Elliot has a request to ask of one of the nurses... Somehow she's able to use a video camera in the hospital and get this on film! Elliot wants to send this message to his loyal fan, Olga.

Elliot (stares at the video camera with puppy eyes): "I've been so stupid! I had this sweet girl write a letter to me like five weeks ago, and the only thing she asked for was this poster with a signature. And what do I do? I make it ready, but then I completely fall in self-pity and try to hide from the world and all my problems. That was so selfish. It's not like she asked for the moon... like that other girl who keeps chasing after me. Well, I'm sending this now to Olga... Please, nurse... post it as soon as possible for me, and use express mail! First class! I can't let her wait any longer. Olga, this is for you... And I'm including a copy of that magazine that just came out! Please forgive me, sweet Olga... my one true fan." (seals the letter with a kiss)

Elliot got his letter sent to Olga, and the visiting time starts again for the day. Ophelia is there early.

Ophelia: "So, how are they treating you in this hospital? Did the police catch the muggers already? When is your next gig? When are we going to have a proper date?"

Elliot: "Whoa, whoa! Too many questions there, lady. I don't think they caught the crooks yet... They would have told me. The hospital staff is alright... But they don't let me play my guitar here, 'cause it 'would disturb the other patients'. Yeah, whatever... It's fucking boring here. As to your other questions..."

Ophelia (excitedly): "Yes?"

Elliot: "I don't have answers to those."

Ophelia (disappointedly): "Oh... But surely you are going to have a gig soon? Like those café gigs? I loved those! And we can go on a date as soon as you get out of the hospital, can't we? I know this club..."

Elliot (interrupting): "Please, stop right there. There's something you and I need to talk about... But not here where the walls have ears and the people have eyes on the back of their heads. But not in my place, either. As soon as I get outta here..."

Ophelia: "YES?!"

Elliot: "We'll talk in the woods."

Ophelia: "But, of course! Yes, we will!"

Elliot: "That's the perfect place for having serious conversations... And there ain't no muggers there lurking in the bushes, ready to jump on you... Still wearing a short skirt?"

Ophelia: "The muggers? Since when have they worn skirts? Let alone short ones?"

Elliot: "No... I mean you are still wearing that?!"

Ophelia: "Well, yeah... As you can see. I'm doing it for you, because I know you like it... Don't you?"

Elliot: "Um, yeah, but that ain't the point. You will just attract all sorts of weirdos in that... There ain't no knowing what they would do to you..."

Ophelia: "Are you saying that a woman can't wear what she wants, because she has to be careful not to attract 'all sorts of weirdos'? As if it's my fault if I get raped? Do you realize how chauvinistic that sounds like?"

Elliot: "Uh... I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. But... Of course it wouldn't be your fault. But that ain't the way a mugger would look at it. He, ah..."

Ophelia (stands up and bends close to him, puts her hand on his shoulder): "I know what you mean. I'm just teasing you. Hey, I'm not stupid! Men usually only think about the one thing. I like you, because your brain functions are more versatile than that. And then there's the hotness factor..."

Elliot: "Really? I mean: I don't know about the hotness... But do you really think my way of thinking is somehow more interesting than an average man's?"

Ophelia: "Well, d'oh, weirdo! I wouldn't be with you otherwise! (kisses him on the cheek) I need to go to work now, but I'll be back again before you get to miss me."

Elliot: "With me?"

Ben: "Hey, Elliot! They said you had someone here already, but it's alright to have two guests now... (stops to stare at Ophelia) Well, hello! You, um... must be Ophelia?"

Ophelia: "Yes! OMG! You know my name! He has talked to you about me! OMG! And you're his bassist, Boniface Deer! OMG!"

Elliot: "Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

Ben: "Uh, Ben Deering. Just call me Ben, love. (to Elliot) I'm gonna kill you when you get out of this place!"

Elliot: "Yeah, right. You're already killing me here! Hah-hah-hah!"

Ophelia: "OMG! Yes, Ben! How silly of me! You were mentioned in that magazine, too! I read it like twice! So, when are you guys having your first gig together?"

Ben: "Well, I'm hoping that we'll know it soon. We still need to find a drummer before we can play those electric instruments..."

Ophelia: "I can't wait! Well, good luck to you, boys! I'll see you soon! It was nice meeting you, Ben."

Ben: "Yeah, nice meeting you too, Ophelia. Hope to... er, see you at our first gig."

Ophelia (walks away): "You totally will! Bye now!"

Ben (sits down): "So that's Ophelia."

Elliot: "That's Ophelia."

Ben and Elliot both burst into laughter.

Ben: "Ha-ha-ha! 'O-M-G'? They really talk like that 'round here? Seriously?"

Elliot: "Ha-ha! Well, d'oh! Hah!"

Ben: "I'm beginning to understand why you so eagerly wanna get rid of that chick..."

Elliot (raises an eyebrow): "Yeah... She is a laugh, though. Maybe I should keep her 'round for a while just for that. Besides, I don't think she's as silly as the first impression would let you believe..."

Ben: "Beginning to warm up to her now, aren't ya? When's the wedding? I hope I'm invited?"

Elliot (shows Ben the finger): "Don't. Push. Your. Luck."

Ben: "Hah! (gives Elliot a big letter) Oh, I went to pick up your post for you as you wanted... This is what I found."

Elliot (excitedly): "Gimme that!"

Ben: "Something you were waiting for?"

Elliot (quickly rips the letter open and takes out what's inside): "Just... what I was waiting for, yes!"

Ben: "Ooooh!"

Elliot: "Yeah, ooh! These are so fucking gorgeous! I only bought this black one and the other one was a gift. And I even got a discount on this black one! It was called a 'hunk and a half' discount, if I remember it correctly. I'm so never taking this off my wrist! Except when I put the other one on it. And maybe when I take a shower... I don't wanna ruin these beauties."

Ben (amused): "Of course you don't. He-he! (points at the red rose in the flower vase) Where did that come from? Did that Ophelia bring you a red rose? OMG! She is in love!"

Elliot: "Hmm... No, it wasn't her... I never noticed that before... It just appeared outta thin air when I was asleep, I guess."

Ben: "Hah! You have a secret admirer! Someone from the hospital maybe?"

Elliot: "You know what? That's actually very likely. They all like keep sucking up to me since they read that magazine. They probably think I'm someone famous... Well, I'm just gonna have to disappoint them."

Ben: "They probably all know that you saved a girl from getting raped or killed... You're like the hero of the hospital, man! And rightfully so."

Elliot: "Nah... I'm no hero... If they think like that, I'm just gonna have to fucking double-disappoint them!"

Nurse Hannah (cheerfully): "Mr. Crane, you have another guest!"

Oskar (steps in): "Hi! Sybil must have told you I was coming? Let me introduce myself..."

Ben (gets up): "Hi, you must be Mr. Oskar Lumi. I'm Ben Deering, the bassist."

Oskar (shakes hands with Ben): "Just call me Oskar! And you must be Mr. Elliot Crane... (bends down enough to shake hands with Elliot)

Elliot: "Just Elliot. Nice to meet ya!"

Oskar: "Likewise, likewise. Now that we know who we are, let's all sit down to discuss the contract I brought with me... If you are up for it? Not literally, of course."

Elliot: "Yeah, bring it on!"

Oskar (sits down and takes a sip of coffee): "Yuck! The coffee from the automatic is disgusting!"

Ben: "Ha-ha! Yeah, I'm sorry we have nothing more to offer you. Except for our exceptional musical skills, of course."

Oskar: "Oh, please! No need to apologize. I know what kind of food they offer in this place already. I was born and raised in this town, and I once had to spend some time in the hospital as well... I only got sicker here. Let's talk about something more fun!"

Elliot: "I like you already!"

Oskar: "Yes, I think we're going to get on well. I know how things work in the music business here. With my know-how and your talent we can reach complete new horizons..."

Elliot: "I like the sound of that! How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?"

Oskar: "Oh, I'm actually 30, but people tend to think I'm much younger. Those good genes can be a curse for some! I've had to prove myself more than once in this lifetime."

Elliot: "I know what you're talking about... Not that I look young or anything. I'm 27, but people tend to think I'm at least five years older. I suppose it's 'cause most of the time they don't know what I'm talking about, so they think I'm wiser than they are... And then, my skin is pretty bad... I suppose you've heard things..."

Ben: "It's not like they are all true."

Oskar: "I know about your past, yes. Sybil has told me. Don't worry. It's not going to stop me from wanting to be your manager. I think we're going to get you a gig pretty soon... How does Christmas Eve sound to you both?"

Ben: "You what?"

Oskar: "I have connections to this club that would have you on Christmas Eve first, and then... Who knows? And there are going to be record company people present. We might just be able to get you a deal after that!"

Elliot: "I'm speechless..."

Ben (laughingly): "For once! Ha-ha! Yeah, I think we're on. Elliot?"

Elliot: "Definitely!"

Oskar: "Cool! Now, let's take a look at the boring paper work and see if you agree about the terms and conditions..."

Two hours later Elliot is resting when a new nurse suddenly bursts in.

Elliot: "What the fuck?"

Nurse: "Oh, I'm sorry to rush in like that! I don't have much time. You know how busy we nurses are, hi-hi! Too much work to do each day."

Elliot: "It's alright. I was just having a dream... I don't believe we have met?"

Nurse: "My name is Venus Vendetta, and I came to bring you your dose of morphine!" (shows a giant needle)

Elliot: "My dose of what?!"

Venus: "You asked for this yesterday for the pain, but we had to get the doctor's agreement first. See? Here's the prescription from Dr. Achilles!"

Elliot: "Oh... That was yesterday. I don't think I need it anymore. It doesn't hurt as much today..."

Venus: "No, you need to take this now! Doctor's order!"

Elliot: "Um, I don't need it anymore, thank you."

Venus: "Hmph! How to put this... You need to take this now!"

Elliot: "No, I don't! Keep that needle away from me, Miss... Please!"

Venus: "I'm only following orders. Doing my job, you know."

Elliot: "Your job is to make the patients feel better, not worse."

Venus (takes an uncertain look at the prescription): "Is that number a three or an eight? The doctors have the worst handwriting, believe me."

Elliot: "If you put that thing into me I'm gonna sue you for assault!"

Venus: "No, you won't. You won't even remember we had this argu... conversation. Besides, I've read your file. You can't possibly be afraid of needles, bad boy? You already seem to have some suspicious marks on your wrists..."

Elliot: "Get that thing the hell outta here!"

Venus (takes his hand and pushes the needle in): "In a moment, yes. Theeere..."

Elliot: "Where's the alarm button when I need it? Hey, somebody out there! Help mmmm..."

Elliot: "What... the hell... was that?"

Venus: "Morphine, like I said. According to the prescription. Oops! Did I give you too much? Oh, well, accidents happen... especially here... when I'm on duty."

Elliot: "Get out..."

Venus (rips her jacket open): "Later, sweets. You and me have some unfinished business here..."

Elliot: "I don't... know you... I don't... want you..."

Venus: "What? I didn't quite catch what you said. Speak louder or at least stop mumbling. In fact, stop speaking all at once and do what they say you're good at."

Elliot: "What? Who says... what?"

Venus: "The other nurses... Everybody here talks about you, Elliot. Everybody here wants you."

Elliot: "No, they don't..."

Venus: "But they won't get you, because I claim you to myself!"

Elliot: "You're crazy..."

Venus: "Crazily in love with you I am! You're just what I've been looking for. My previous husband was loaded, but he was too old. You're poor, but you're on your way from rags to riches, I can tell. And you're young..."

Elliot: "What happened... to your husband..."

Venus: "He just took some poison and dropped dead. Can you believe? Hah! 'Poor Venus', they said. They never thought I had anything to do with it..."

Elliot: "And... did ya..."

Venus: "Ooops! Look what the time is! We're going to get it oooon, so we're finished before anybody enters the room... Enters the room, hah! Do you get it? I'm so good at dirty talk - I crack myself up! Crack! Now there's another pun. I bet you have used that along with the other 'stuff'. Which makes me think that you shouldn't be too picky. Nobody else would have you for keeps but me. I want your baby and your alimony."

Elliot: "I don't like the way you talk... But... you're beautiful..."

Venus: "Aww, thanks! Finally starting to see the truth, aren't you?"

Elliot: "You look green... Are you Shrek for real? Is that the truth?"

Venus: "How romantic! Hmph! Or was that a metaphor? I also hear that you're quite clever. Hopefully not too clever for me... I suppose I'm a bit green of envy. Or was. I don't need to be that anymore, since I got you... (Venus is being paged) Argh! They need me already! Well, I can't make them suspicious. That medicine will last for the whole day. I'll see you again very soon, babes!" (runs away)

Elliot: "There goes the green troll..."

In a very quiet and private room somewhere in the hospital.

Dr. Achilles: "Ah, good that you came so quickly, Dr. Badcoke. Did you have time to read his file?"

Dr. Badcoke: "Yes! And I'm excited to get to work. This is a very interesting case. Very interesting, indeed."

Dr. Achilles: "I have never seen anyone take so much pain so easily. It's quite abnormal. He seriously didn't notice the wound until he collapsed. So, did you manage to dig up anything interesting from his past that might help us on our research?"

Dr. Badcoke: "I did! Here, I have it all in this file... (gives a file to Dr. Achilles) You may want to take a look at all those papers. As you already know, Mr. Crane just got out rehab a couple of months ago. But do you know why he got there in the first place?"

Dr. Achilles: "Hmm... He was using drugs and alcohol, mixed... His friend Mr. Deering says that he's completely sober now, but you know those former addicts..."

Dr. Badcoke: "Unfortunately, yes. And not only was Mr. Crane using drugs and alcohol before he went to rehab... He was using them to get himself killed."

Dr. Achilles: "Really? Oh my God... He's more messed up than I thought. Hmm... The police haven't been able to find those thugs that attacked him. They actually asked me today if it could be possible that Mr. Crane stabbed himself. I had never even thought about that option, because he seems so cheerful... Well, there were his fingerprints on the weapon."

Dr. Badcoke: "Oh, but of course! Why did I never think about it before! You know, he has been an addict for years... since he was a teenager in fact. Maybe that has somehow affected his resistance of pain and developed it to the extreme... "

Dr. Achilles: "You are a genius! We can use him to study what processes make a person feel pain... and what not. If we manage to solve that, we will get our names in many medical books! This case is certainly more abnormal than the other similar cases I've seen. I doubt it's CIP, as he does seem to feel pain at times. Kept asking for morphine as soon as he woke up, and now he's suddenly right as rain again. It's weird how it comes and goes... (eyes brighten) We will get a lot of fame... and maybe even a Nobel one day!"

Dr. Badcoke: "Yes! We can definitely do that. But first we have to make sure that Mr. Crane doesn't leave the hospital anytime soon, or all our plans go wrong. He could easily stop us from making medical history!"

Dr. Achilles: "Hmm... That's where you step in. I have told Mr. Crane that he needs to see a psychiatrist before we can let him go home... You know, after the traumatic experience he had with the muggers. He agreed with me on that and he knows to expect your visit. You will just have to make him believe that he needs more help. Can you do that?"

Dr. Badcoke: "Oh, please! Remember who you're talking to? Many of my former patients are now in the mental asylum getting more help... It's a piece of cake, trust me. When you read those papers, you will also learn that the has been close to dying before this. In 2004 he took too much drugs with his girlfriend and got himself into a coma!"

Dr. Achilles: "Oh my God... What happened after that?"

Dr. Badcoke: "He woke up after a few hours and he was then arrested for possessing and using illegal drugs... and also giving them to his girlfriend and putting her in danger. The former girlfriend's name is Sybil De Hurst. She's a famed photographer now and she has been living in Trolliwood for three years."

Dr. Achilles: "I suppose that is why he decided to move here... To be close to her. Did Mr. Crane get a long cake for his outrages?"

Dr. Badcoke: "Only six months, of which he sat three months. He was only 20, and he never got a job after that. He's just been a street singer... Also, his childhood was difficult. His sister was in a bad car accident when he was 16 and she was 13. She is blind and lives with their mother in Memphis. The father hasn't been in the picture for a long time, and I don't know what he does. But the mother is a shop clerk with small wages, and she still has more money than her son. The whole family is white trash."

Dr. Achilles: "That probably means that they won't miss him... It makes our job so much easier. We'll just make him disappear. You're really good at digging up the info, by the way! I'll never learn to understand how you do that."

Dr. Badcoke: "I have my secret sources. Now let's make this guy crazy! Er... I mean: let's get him some much needed help."

To be continued...

Note from the author: CIP is Congenital Insensitivity to Pain, a rare genetic condition or set of conditions involving a complete lack of ability to feel physical pain.

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3 years ago

I like a lot! I got your website linked in my favorites.

Joe Warmanwitz
Joe Warmanwitz
2 years ago


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